


To Give and Give (Conversations with a High General)

by deantookmybiscuits



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Discussion of past food issues, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fix-It, Food Issues, Implied Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan Kenobi's Infinite Sadness, Obi-Wan's shit padawanship, Qui-Gon Jinn is a dick, Sadness, Suicidal Thoughts, implied/referenced eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:26:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24116491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deantookmybiscuits/pseuds/deantookmybiscuits
Summary: Obi-Wan has a concussion and is on very strong pain medication for his seven broken ribs, broken leg, burns and multiple lacerations on his back. He cannot be held responsible for everything he says during this conversation. Even though it’s this conversation that helps to save the galaxy.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & CT-6116 | Kix, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 135
Kudos: 1578





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What is this? I don't know. It came from my brain and I wrote it down.

It would be easy, Obi-Wan finds himself thinking sometimes, to not dodge that blaster bolt or lightsabre swing. It would all be over, he’d be free.

But people need him. People need Jedi Master Kenobi, High General of the Grand Army of the Republic. If nothing else, the Rako Hardeen incident proved that. Of course, the man everyone needs is an illusion, a mask. The real Obi-Wan Kenobi? No one needs him. 

Obi-Wan has been wearing masks since he was a child. His parents didn’t want him. (He remembers very little of them, only pain and fear. Like many, his Force sensitivity was seen as a curse rather than a gift). It doesn hurt (but it does). Bruck never bothered him (except he did). He was the perfect Padawan (but never good enough). He is the perfect Jedi (except he’s broken and flawed and deeply attached).

The mask he dons now, as High General, is familiar. It is similar to the mask he wore on Melida/Daan, in the Stark Hyperspace Conflict, but stronger. Better. He is better now. Fewer men will die under his command (but still too many, always too many).

<

Sometimes, Obi-Wan isn’t as careful as he should be. All the risks he takes are calculated, all meant to ensure the survival of as many as possible. It’s just that, often, he doesn’t bother to factor his own survival into the equation.

The mission comes first, his men second, himself last.

<

His master once told him he would fall, but Obi-Wan has always been stubborn. He has felt the darkside, been tempted by it, but he will always refuse. He has seen how it hurts, how it twists, how it takes. He fears that too many of his brethren have not. Too many have been tempted by this war. They didn’t know Dooku before and after, don’t see the sharp divide between the two. They haven’t pulled Quinlin Vos back to the light by the tips of their fingers. They haven’t watched Ventress grow and change. Obi-Wan is intimately familiar with the darkside, he has touched it, tasted it and rejected it. He has watched others succumb to it. He will never fall.

<

For all his exhaustion, Obi-Wan will cling to life so long as he is still needed. (He doesn’t want to die, not really. He just wants peace.). 

Cody needs him, Anakin needs him, Ahsoka needs him, the 212th needs him, the Senate needs him, the Council needs him. (But do they? Do they really? Often, Obi-Wan isn’t sure.)

So he does his duty and keeps all his pain and exhaustion and desires locked away behind the shields he so carefully built as a child. The shields which have protected for decades. At this point, Obi-Wan isn’t sure he could lower them. Tighten them, strengthen them, yes. But weaken? Lower? He’s not certain he even remembers how.

<

Obi-Wan is worried about Anakin. While it’s true that he lives in a constant state of worried about Anakin, this is slightly more worried than usual. But he doesn’t know how to talk to him about it. When he was twenty-two he had a hyperactive eleven-year-old on his hands and no one to help him. He did his best, but his best has never been good enough.

And now Anakin has married a Senator, secretly. He’s full of anger and fear and doubt. Obi-Wan wants to help him, but he doesn’t know how.

<

It starts with a conversation.

<

Obi-Wan has a concussion and is on very strong pain medication for his seven broken ribs, broken leg, burns and multiple lacerations on his back. He cannot be held responsible for everything he says during this conversation. Even though it’s this conversation that helps to save the galaxy.

“When did you get that scar Master?” Ahsoka questions, squinting at him, “It doesn’t look properly healed.”

“Mm?” Obi-Wan rolls his head to look down at the scar in question, “Shrapnel. I was- thirteen? We didn’t have any medics.”

“What about Master Qui-Gon?” Anakin snaps, still angry about Obi-Wan throwing himself in front of an explosion, “Couldn’t he have healed you better than that?”

The scar is an ugly thing, one of many like it. Thick and twisted, a mark on incorrect healing. It’s visible where Kix has lifted his shirt to check his ribs.

“Master Jinn wasn’t there,” Obi-Wan shrugs, then hisses in pain, “I betrayed him, he said, and abandoned his teaching. I’ve always wondered how. I followed my instincts and the Force, just like he said. Anyway, I was fighting a civil war with a faction called the Young. They were desperate to end the war, their ancestors' war. They begged me to help and I did. But we didn’t have proper medics. So some of the wounds didn’t heal right.”

He misses the way both Anakin and Ahsoka are gaping at him, because Kix pokes him particularly hard and he tries to bat his hands away.

“Master,” Ahsoka starts hesitantly, “What do you mean? Did- did Master Jinn leave you there?”

“Oh, uh yes,” he nods, “Well, he gave me a choice I suppose. Go with him or leave the Order. I chose to stay. It’s not his fault, he didn’t want me anyway and Master Tahl needed medical attention. The Senate said we couldn’t interfere, but the Young were children and they wanted our help. Most of them were younger than me. I had to help. Or I thought I did. I’m not sure if I did the right thing. Cerasi died, and maybe that was my fault. I’ve always thought so, anyway. And so many others died under my command. Maybe that’s my destiny, to get people killed by trying to do the right thing. It certainly seems the only thing I’m good at.”

“Right!” Kix declares, a little too loudly, “I’ll get the boneknitter, and put some bacta on those lacerations. You’ll be able to move easily by tomorrow, though I recommend a few more days in the medbay.”

Obi-Wan starts, “Oh, no need to waste all that on me, Kix. I’ll be just fine. Just the leg is a problem. Everything else is fine. Nothing I haven’t handled before.”

“Sir,” Kix glares at him, “Shut up. I’m your medic and you will listen to me.”

He leaves before Obi-Wan can argue more. It was only the truth, he’s not sure why everyone looks so upset by it.

“I once completed a mission with eight broken ribs, a concussion and similar wounds on my back when I was sixteen,” he tries to reassure them.

If he were less high, Obi-Wan would remember that such a statement is far from reassuring. He’s not, so he doesn’t quite understand the horrified looks on both his padawans faces. He looks around for someone to share his confusion with, but only meets Cody’s furious eyes. Oh dear, was that the wrong thing to say?

“Of course,” he continues, “It didn’t affect my performance too much. I managed to complete the objectives. If I’d been faster I might not have been injured in the first place…” he trails off, distracted.

“Are the troops okay? Did I manage to shield them from the explosion?”

“Yes, general,” Cody’s voice is soft, “They’re all fine. Why don’t you get some sleep? They’ll come visit you in the morning, I think.”

“Mm,” he yawns, “Alright, good night everyone.”

<

When he wakes up, he’s still slightly high and quite concussed. Anakin is sitting by his bedside, in conversation with Cody. Ahsoka seems to have fallen asleep curled up at the bottom of his bed.

“Ani,” he mumbles, blinking slowly, “Have you commed Padmé recently? She’ll be worried about you. You shouldn’t worry your wife.

Obi-Wan promptly passes out again, missing Anakin’s spluttering reply.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin has some thoughts, and Ahsoka is somehow a very talented slicer. When did that happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit ugh, I'm not sure about it. I might come back and change it later, but I thought I'd put it out there. This chapter could have gone lots of different ways, and this is the way I decided to go for now.
> 
> Anyway, read the updated tags and stay safe! Quarantine is making me a bit morbid, which is kinda reflected in this chapter.
> 
> Also, some of this is meant to be in italics but it doesn't seem to have done that on here so whatever.

Anakin has no idea how to deal with the revelations of the past few hours. Obi-Wan is still asleep, so he can’t exactly ask him for clarification.

The idea that Obi-Wan knows about him and Padme makes something odd settle in his chest. Whenever Padme had brought it up, he’d evaded by insisting that Obi-Wan would tell the Council. But… he hasn’t. Obi-Wan knows and he hasn’t told the Council. So, what is Anakin so afraid of?

And it’s selfish to be focusing on that, when Obi-Wan also told them his Master left him in a _warzone_ with _child soldiers._ It’s just… Anakin has no idea how to deal with it. He spent his entire Padawanship idolizing Qui-Gon Jinn, imagining how amazing everything would be if the man had lived. In his worst moments, he’d wished it’d been Obi-Wan who died instead. So, to find out the man would abandon his padawan? Anakin doesn’t know how to fit that into his worldview.

His Master looks so tiny without his voluminous robes. He’s all skin and bones, with dark circles under his eyes and lines of stress carved into his face even in sleep.

Is this, all of Obi-Wan’s issues, Qui-Gon Jinn’s fault?

Anakin doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how to deal with any of this, much less how to help anyone else.

<

“Master?”

There’s a tap on his shoulder and Anakin startles. Ahsoka stands over him, Cody behind her. She’s holding a datapad, upper lip caught between her teeth.

“What you got there?” Anakin suspects it’s old Temple records. It’s what he would do, if he could pick himself out of this pit of confusion.

Wordlessly, she pulls a holoprojector out of her pocket and sets it up on Obi-Wan’s bed. Anakin raises an eyebrow in confusion, before she turns it on. It’s old Temple security footage from the Council Chamber, dated twenty years ago. Qui-Gon Jinn stands in the centre.

“Snips,” he says slowly, “Where did you get this?”

“Just watch.”

She starts the recording, but doesn’t watch as it plays.

_“And where is your Padawan, Master Jinn?”_

_The question comes from a much younger Master Windu. The rest of the Council exchanges uncomfortable looks._

_“He chose to remain behind, he has forsaken the Order. He raised his lightsabre against me. Obi-Wan has decided that the people of Melida/Daan were more important than the vows he made to the Order and the commands of his Master.”_

_Master Windu goes to say something again, but is shushed._

_“Leave, Obi-Wan has?” Yoda clarifies, brow furrowed._

_“Yes,” Qui-Gon glares at the grandmaster, “Obi-Wan Kenobi has chosen to leave the Jedi Order. May I be dismissed?”_

_“Go,” Kit Fitso sighs, shaking his head, “See to Master Tahl, she’s been asking for you.”_

_Qui-Gon leaves, a stunned silence sitting over the room in his wake._

_“Kenobi fought tooth and nail to stay in the Order,” Windu says finally, “He would never leave, not on a whim, not unless he truly believed that what he was doing was right. The planet of Melida/Daan is a warzone, not somewhere a child wants to stay.”_

_“Lying, Master Jinn is then?” Yoda shakes his head, “No, find his way back, Obi-Wan may, but dispute Master Jinn’s claims we cannot."_

The recording ends there, and Anakin is left blinking at nothing. What the kriff? Did the Council… just let a Master leave a Padawan alone in a warzone? And why is this footage still on record? The Temple purges all useless data every ten years.

“Snips-”

She interrupts him, “There’s more, Master.”

She hands him the datapad, open on a personnel com.

_Master Tholme, Obi told me about his time on Bandomeer today. Why has the Council allowed Master Jinn to take him as his Padawan after rejecting him so many times, so cruelly? I’m glad to have my friend back but the scars from even such a short time are deep. Obi-Wan is only twelve standard, and he spent weeks as a deep sea mining slave with a bomb collar around his neck. He showed me the scars from the electro whip on his back, and from where the collar and shackles broke skin._

_I could see his ribs, but Obi didn’t even seem concerned by the amount of weight he’s lost. It’s been years since his eating has been a problem, but I don’t think Jinn has been watching him closely enough. I’m distracting myself, but it is worrying._

_The worst part, the part I hate the most, is that Obi-Wan volunteered to kill himself to save the people on Bandomeer. And that’s what Master Jinn said made him take him as his Padawan. After all of that, after watching Obi-Wan tear himself apart trying to be the best, trying to figure out what Darkness on his soul Master Jinn was talking about, and Jinn tells him it’s his willingness to die that makes him worthy? Obi-Wan has issues already, and now he thinks his greatest worth is that his life is expendable. It isn’t. Obi-Wan’s life is not expendable, he’s worth more than that._

_It makes me angry, I’ve been trying to release my anger and fear into the Force but it’s very difficult. Please come home soon, I need your help._

_Quinlan._

Anakin stares at the message in shock. Obi-Wan was rejected by Master Jinn? Spent time as a slave? Anakin feels like he’s missing pieces of information here. Like, what was Obi-Wan doing on Bandomeer? And how did he end up as a deep-sea mining slave? Even on Tatooine, masters used the deep-sea mines as a threat. It’s dangerous, no slave survives more than two years.

And is this where all Obi-Wan’s self-sacrificial bullshit came from? And where did Ahsoka get all of this?

“He nearly aged out,” Ahsoka says, once she realises he’s done reading, “They sent him to the Corps two months early. He was kidnapped and sold by Master Jinn’s former Padawan, Xanatos.”

She takes the pad from his and pulls up another file. It looks like… Obi-Wan’s medical records? How the hell did Snips get these?

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: four standard_

_The youngling Master Koon, Knight Windu and Padawan Billiba Found on Stewjon is approximately four standard. He is small for his age, severely underweight and displays signs of abuse and neglect. He understands Basic but only seems to speak in Stewjoni. He doesn’t speak often. He’s told us his name is Obi-Wan, he presents as male and he’s allergic to a type of planet found on Stewjon._

_Master Koon reports that his parents gave the name Obi-Wan Kenobi. This adds to the theory that they abused and neglected him. Kenobi is a slave name, given to children who don’t have a family. Of course, the fact that his parents were attempting to sell him tells us most of what we need to know._

_As a Stewjoni male, Obi-Wan appears human, but he isn't. The people of Stewjon are the product of millennia of interbreeding between humans who colonized the planet and the original inhabitants of the planet. As such, Obi-Wan has different needs and physiology than the average human. He is one of three Stewjoni’s currently in the Jedi Order. Traditionally, Force Sensitives are killed as soon it’s obvious that’s what they are._

_Knight Healer Che_

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: four standard_

_Obi-Wan struggles to keep food down and doesn’t seem to get hungry very often. He’s not losing any weight, but nor is he gaining it. We’ve put up a drip to directly feed him nutrients, but it is not a long term solution._

_Other than that, Obi-Wan is healing well. He’s spent two sessions with a mindhealer and has started sleeping through the night regularly. The frequency with which he wets the bed is also decreasing. His clan master has been to visit, and we are hoping to move him to the creche in the next two tendays._

_Knight Healer Che_

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: four standard_

_Due to his struggles with food, we’ve inserted a G-tube for his move to the creche. Obi-Wan’s clan master has been taught how to clean the tube and administer feeds. Our hope is that he will be able to move off the tube within the year. He is gradually improving in all areas, including keeping food down._

_Knight Healer Che_

Anakin skims the next few, more of the same, until he reaches one from when Obi-Wan is a bit older.

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: five standard_

_We removed Obi-Wan’s feeding tube after a fellow clanmate tripped over the line repeatedly. He was doing well for a few tendays, but his weight has recently started dropping again. We’re going to try an NG tube for a few tendays and then see how he does._

_Knight Healer Che_

It’s disconcerting to read about a smaller Obi-Wan going through so much. Anakin always assumed his Master had an easy time in the creche. He was picked up as a small child, no issues, chosen as a padawan, and then he easily worked towards knighthood. All of this paints a very different picture.

“Keep reading,” Cody commands, voice strangled, “It gets worse.”

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: six standard_

_I’d hoped that I’d seen the last of Obi-Wan for a long time when we took the NG tube out and his weight remained stable. I’m sorry to say that I didn't get what I wanted._

_His clan master, like the rest of us, let the ball drop and Obi-Wan stopped eating. He was rushed into the Halls yesterday after he collapsed during lightsaber training. We ran various tests and discovered that his weight has dropped dramatically. He is now stable, and seeing a mindhealer._

_Knight Healer Che_

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: six standard_

_Obi-Wan has told us that he just doesn’t feel hungry and food doesn’t often appeal to him. His mindhealer has speculated that it may also be about the control his food gives him, when so much of his life has been out of control for so long._

_As his weight is dangerously low, and he’s vomited up everything he’s eaten since in the Halls, we’ve reinserted his G-tube._

_My examination of Obi-Wan revealed suspicious bruising, but his clan master has no idea where he could have gotten it. It may just be because Obi-Wan’s decreased weight has led to easier bruising._

_Knight Healer Che_

Anakin stares at his Master’s prone form, at the ribs visible through the thin medbay gown. He contemplates Vos’s letter to his Master about Obi-Wan’s eating. Is Obi-Wan struggling again? Has Obi-Wan ever stopped struggling?

He remembers, with sudden clarity, that Obi-Wan used to make Anakin food but never ate himself. When he’d asked about it, Obi-Wan had held up his cup of tea and made a crack about aged appetite. Anakin frowns remembering it, his master was his age then. Age hasn’t affected his own appetite much at all.

“Do you think,” he starts slowly, turning to look at Cody, “This is still a problem?”

Cody shrugs, dropping into a chair next to Anakin, “I think it is, but it’s not as bad. He eats, we just have to remind him. It might be a control thing or a punishment thing. Healer Che talks about that when he’s about nine standard. But it also seems like the general learnt how to ignore his hunger as a child, and it carried over when he was brought to the Temple. There’s a report on there about him pushing his hunger into the Force automatically.”

Ahsoka takes the pad from his, and pulls up a mission report, “Read this.”

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: thirteen standard_

_Since I imagine no one but me will ever read these reports, I’d like to state that I’m furious with Qui-Gon Jinn and the entire Jedi Council._

_Obi-Wan has many poorly healed wounds from his time in an active warzone. He has seven cracked ribs and a fractured wrist. There are scars all over his torso, some from Melida/Daan and some older than I never got to treat. As Obi-Wan’s primary Healer, that raises many concerns._

_Another concern is his mental state. I only got him in here because his reinstated Master put him on creche duty. Master Nu has been flooding me with reports on PTSD. Essentially, Obi-Wan has spent the last four months engaged in a war alongside other younglings. Children screaming, even in joy, transported him back to that time. I imagine he’s heard enough screams to last him a lifetime. I would recommend a mindhealer, but I require his guardian's permission. I am unlikely to get it._

_Of course, some of Obi-Wan’s injuries can be attributed to his fight with Initiate Chun. Overall, Obi-Wan is in a poor physical state but he will heal._

_His weight isn’t as bad as I expected, but I will be telling his Master to keep an eye on it and forward him Obi-Wan’s meal plan. He should’ve gotten it when he took Obi-Wan on, but I doubt anyone thought of it in all the chaos._

_Master Healer Che_

“He was thirteen?” Anakin says, “Thirteen?”

Ahsoka shrugs, “That’s what it says. That’s not even the worst of it.”

“What’s not the worst of what?” Obi-Wan asks, blinking blearily at them, “What are you all doing, standing around like this?”

Anakin opens his mouth to lie, but Ahsoka beats him to it. She does not lie.

“I sliced your old temple records,” she shrugs, as though that is not the worst possible thing for her to say, “Master Jinn sounds like a real dick. Also, I didn’t know you spent time as a slave. Why didn’t you say?”

Obi-Wan stares at them for a few beats, “You sliced my temple records? Well, that is very impressive little one, but also very illegal.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a slave?” Anakin blurts, “And how long have you known about Padme and me?”

For a long moment, Obi-Wan says nothing. He stares blankly at the ceiling, as though reliving memories. When he finally speaks, it is quiet.

“I have known about your relationship with Padme since you kissed a few feet in front of me on Geonosis,” he says softly, “And R2 was quite happy to show me holo’s of your wedding. It was beautiful, Anakin. I was hoping you would come to me in your own time, and I did my best to cover for you in the interim. Rex is barely more subtle than you, though I did expect better from Padme. I’m not sure there are many people left who don’t know about your marriage.”

He falls silent again, then sighs, “Cumulatively, I spend about two years as a slave throughout my seven-year padawanship. What was two, non-consecutive, years against your lifetime? My trauma is my own, and I have never wanted to saddle you with it. It should never be the job of the student to carry the burdens of the master,” his gaze settles sadly on Ahsoka for a moment, “Force, what meds has Kix given me?”

“Strong ones,” Cody says wryly.

Obi-Wan laughs, and Anakin suddenly feels furious. How can he laugh? How can he laugh when he’s just shattered everything Anakin has ever known? Obi-Wan was a slave for a long time, no matter what he claims two years is a long time. He’s known about Anakin’s marriage and helped to cover it up! Obi-Wan has turned his whole world on its head and now he has the audacity to laugh?

“Stop it! You- you can’t just say things like that! If you support me and Padme, then how can you continue to lecture me about the code? And why did you let me worship Qui-Gon Jinn! How- kriff Obi-Wan how can you still serve the Council after they let your Master abandon and mistreat you? There is nothing here to laugh about.”

The look Obi-Wan levels at him is… soft and sad and guilty, “Padawan-”

“I am not your padawan anymore,” Anakin growls.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan corrects, “Qui-Gon Jinn was a deeply flawed man, and yes he did hurt me, but he saved you. He was dead, what good did it do for me to tell you all his flaws? And would you have believed me? You were nine Anakin, and Qui-Gon saved you and granted all your wishes. You worshipped him, and I couldn’t take that away from you. I wouldn’t take that away from you.”

It makes him want to scream, the calm way Obi-Wan lays out his reasoning. And it makes sense, it makes a stupid amount of sense, but it isn’t fair. Obi-Wan let Anakin scream at him, let him say horrible horrible things and didn’t even contradict him.

“And your marriage? Anakin, I have supported you since you were nine years old. I defied the Council just to take you as my Padawan. I nearly left the Order for you. The Code? The Jedi Code is not as infallible as it is made to seem. It is a flexible thing, meant to be challenged and reinterpreted. Your marriage grounds you, Padme makes you happy, I would never take that from you. Your issue is not your love Anakin, it’s the way you struggle to let go of it. As for the Council, they are just sentients. Same as you and me. If I cannot forgive, then what kind of Jedi am I?”

The silence is heavy, and Anakin feels the rage rear its ugly head before he squashes it. What’s wrong with him? Where is all this anger coming from?

“I hurt you,” he finally chokes out, “And you let me. You just let me walk all over you, you let me throw everything back in your face. You let me think that Qui-Gon was better, better than you and better than he really was. You let me try to destroy you.”

With that, he turns on his heel and runs from the medbay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like Anakin would react with anger, so I tried to reflect that here. Idk, this sucks.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed!!


End file.
